Mentalmorphosis

Mentalmorphosis

I’ve never heard anyone say they wished they were dumber. Have you? In fact, I’ll bet there’s not one of you who’d refuse a few extra points of intelligence if they were thrown your way; I know I’d be first in line to catch a fistful. Or just imagine, reaching into a paper bag and closing your greedy little fingers around a nice, yeasty gob of smarts. You could roll it into a tiny ball, pop it into mouth, swallow, and voila, you’d be the smartest kid on the block! Of course, if it were that easy, we’d probably have about three hundred million Albert Einsteins walking around the U.S. polluting the air with theories of relativity, thermodynamics, and quadratic equations. But when it comes to brain cells, you got what you got and that’s what you got, so just accept it and be happy. Right? Well, maybe not.

That’s why my pulse surged when I read a magazine article suggesting that certain activities might actually raise my IQ by as much as twenty-one points. Why, that’s just about double my current count! I’d be almost as smart as a dog, and I’ve always yearned to live a dog’s life because they’ve got it made, at least every dog I’ve ever fed. With that in mind, I figured it might be wise to read on.

Scanning the first couple of paragraphs, I saw that the article listed thirty-one ways to get smarter, things like learning a new language, eating turmeric, reading Shakespeare, playing music, mastering chess, things that required you to exercise your brain, things that necessitated being a smarty-pants, things that didn’t fit the Levis I wear. Already mentally exhausted, I almost stuffed the magazine in the trash when my eyes drifted past the brain strainers to less stringent methods of training the brain. There, nestled in amongst all those nasty little brain expanders, was the real destination of my search, the alchemy to change mush to grey matter.

You might shake your head when you read this (I’m only relaying what the article says), but after sifting through all thirty-one suggestions, I’ve decided to adopt five or six from the list. If following a formula of almost three dozen exercises will lift my mental acuity twenty-one points, condensing it to a strict diet of half a dozen and then quadrupling each one should have the same effect.

Now, if you’ve read the article, you’re probably wondering which exercises I’ve chosen for my program, so I won’t keep you guessing any longer.

1. I’ll eat more dark chocolate and drink more red wine: These are a good source of flavonoids that help improve memory. Don’t worry if you see me stumbling around with wine and a slurry of chocolate dripping down my chin; I’m getting smarter.
2. I’ll wipe that stupid smile off my face and frown more: Ever notice how frowners are usually more skeptical and analytic? It’s true.
3. I’ll drink at least two gallons of water per day: They say that drinking more water makes the brain work harder, probably trying to find the closest urinal.
4. I’ll drink at least four cups of coffee each day: Caffeine is a crystalline compound that is a stimulant of the central nervous system and bolsters short term memory, which I’ll need to remember where that last urinal was.
5. I’ll join a knitting circle: Refining motor skills bolsters cognitive skills; although I might drop a stitch or two due to my caffeine shake.
6. I’ll try to nap during the day and get to bed early in the evening: The brain continues to process memories even after going to sleep, and I’m sure I’ll be exhausted from running back and forth to the bathroom.

If you know me, you’re probably shaking your head and have a frown on your face after reading this. You’re considering the titanic task I’ve taken on and you’re thinking that there’s no way I’ll accomplish this incredibly difficult feat. But I assure you, by this time next month, you’ll marvel at my mental dexterity. My old stupid self will be a mere memory in your minds. You’ll be amazed by the astounding metamorphosis.

And, if I haven’t grown exponentially smarter, at least I didn’t tax my brain trying.